Friday, March 31, 2006

full plate

procrastination. i have to start doing things, but i don't feel like it just yet.

on the slate for today:

- two banks i must visit
- hair appointment - cut AND color. [excited!]
- shopping for pants [ugh. dread.]
- dinner with the roommates
- samuel screech powers stand up [read the article in fast forward - ooh! he's dark!]
- assorted lunacy with the work kids


- trip out to the new building to see just how effing long it's going to take me to get there [christ, why could they not have just gotten another downtown building???]
- hitting up 17th ave for a little shopping [long awaited trip to blame betty]
- checkin' in at hotwax and sloth records to shop for vinyl
- doing taxes [did i not tell you i'm a procrastinator?]
- doing last of laundry before i leave for tampa

so you can see really, i shouldn't be talking to a blog, i should be getting my ass in the shower and going on my sweet ass way to get all this shit done.

i just can't resist the lure of blogger, you see.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

good morning.

last day of work before the weekend. oh yeah. i've definitely been looking forward to this.

so much work to be done. must file taxes.

it's disgustingly hot in my room. gross to the max.

i should get off my ass and use the remaining 45 min before i have to get ready for work for something relatively useful.

cleaning up. breakfast.

though, right now, sitting in my underwear listening to sonic youth and blogging seems so much more appealing.

ha ha. now you're stuck with THAT mental image for a while.

gotta find that reznor mag for sab.

yeah, blogging definitely has to end.


artistic closeup


is it just me...

or does this picture feel just a teeny bit deliciously graphic to you?

say hello to my spleen.

i hope raynna's already had lunch.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

cherry cola

in 6 days, these two supermodels will be reunited in the tampa international airport.

expect sparks to fly.

that's what happens when pretty people collide.


i missed a letter that would have had to be signed for today. i heard the buzzer, but i was in bed so i didn't get up.

hmmmmm. wonder what the deal is there. can't pick it up til after 5pm today now, and i have to work, so i can't get it til tomorrow.


lost: my sanity. reward for swift return.

i need a beer and a weekend so badly right now.

today's mantra: two more days, two more days...

it was just one of those days where i wanted to bludgeon nearly every customer who called in. then, joel and i had words [no worries] and though i tried to stay calm, it seemed to put a little cloud over me the rest of the night.

glad to be home. i have so much stuff i need to do, but FUCK IT. i'm going to lie in bed and watch two days' worth of my stories and get sucked into ficticious drama for a change.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

fun with debt

trying to track down old debts is so fun.

apparently i owe no money on my BC student loan. i'm not even in their collection system. i'm on hold for the canada loan portion. but originally, i was given $8,882.

after holding i get to call a third number! hooray!

cripes. you can hide from the government for the better part of three years, but when you actually HAVE the money, they can't tell you jack.

and now they won't tell me anything without the original address the loan was filed under.


this is not an emo entry.

i'm starting to get really excited. it's now officially one week til i get to see joel!

he's going to take me to the dali museum again this trip. i can't wait because they have added a new exhibit since we last went.

i'm probably going to end up going to two concerts while i'm there.

friday, my roommates and i are going to see dustin diamond do stand up. that's right kids, samuel "screech" powers himself.

today i bought some records and plan to scour the store i bought them in this saturday to see if i can find some more gems. i now own steve martin's wild and crazy guy album.

i actually got vto for the first time in a million years tonight at 8pm. came home and watched a movie with the roommates and looked online for wedding bands. wasn't very successful in searching specifically in the tampa area - not a lot of stores have websites.

things are actually looking pretty good today. three more days of work and i get to go get my hair done on friday! i'm totally looking forward to it. i'm getting color and a cut.

i really have nothing to complain about now other than being sleepy. awesome.


bridges and water


Monday, March 27, 2006

i'm watching march of the penguins...

and i'm starting to feel like i'm watching penguin porn. damn do penguins ever know how to get all sexy with each other.

you think i'm kidding, but those mofos are suave.

and it's only 15 min in!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

sexy karaoke!


i feel like i'm going through the "awkward phase" again.

you might think i'm being oversensitive or exaggerating, but i promise i'm not. i know that i'm not completely ugly and it could be 18,000 times worse, however my facial skin has gotten severely greasy and is breaking out and i feel like a gargoyle.

i'm starting up with the birth control again, so that should help a little. i also bought some vitamins my mom recommended - she used to work in a health food store - so i'll give those babies a whirl too.

i think back to when i was a teenager and i thought i was fat and ugly. i WISH i had that body back. especially with impending nuptuals. my weight is pretty much the only real bridezilla thing i've got going on. well, that and being antsy about deciding things, but that mostly comes from being harassed by friends and family to just pick a place to stay, get hitched and etc.

anyways, i'm going to go watch my stories and wait for joel to call me.

love you kids. oxo.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

potato faced and trying to forget it

it's preferred to be blurred

no pictures.

motherfucking blogger can lick my non-existant scrotum.

what in the hell is this piece of shit's problem. just want to post some pics.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

ew. is it already time to get ready for work?

i woke up depressed this morning.

i am burning myself a copy of billy joel's "an inocent man" album in a vain attempt to cheer myself up.

i kinda feel like vomiting.

oh, ray - christie lee IS on the album "an innocent man". you can poop your pants now.

Monday, March 20, 2006

my big fat fucking 80's induced self-indulgent cliche entry

i am listening to huey lewis and the news.

i feel an absolutely decadent amount of nostalgia.

okay, so they're kind of lame and make you think of guys with feathered hair in don johnson in miami vice suits chasing after girls with bangs as big as texas and skin-tight mini dresses with big puffy shoulders, but so fucking what? they rule.

anyone who doesn't agree can probably attest to having enjoyed much worse i'm sure.

i'm transported back to summers on vacation with my parents and my first actual crushes on boys. it's awesome. we used to nab our parents' empty beer bottles, write notes and maps and stuff them inside and throw them in creeks. i remember lying on my back in a patch of high grass looking up at the night sky when we were at a family friend's 35th birthday party, thinking to myself about being repulsed by and yet still completely adoring that kid who would eat dead mosquitos on a dare.

i never used to think so, but i had a really awesome childhood. the more i think back on it, the more i miss it. of course this is one of the universal ironies, so i'll try not to wax too poetical [okay, so maybe already it's too late there.] i just crave the purity and earnesty of emotion and thought. the development of self and personality, the shaping that we all go through. trial and error. overwhelming excitements, soul crushing defeats. all of it.

sometimes it makes me feel so corrupted to look back. i feel utterly polluted with fears and insecurities and i hate it. i feel like i'm clinging to this ideal of who i need to be that's turning me completely inside out. i'm at another section of life where major changes are about to occur in my life and i'm trying to adapt to them but finding myself acting a little less like myself than ever. i'm in a place where change is being granted to me at a very quick pace, falling directly into my lap and instead of embracing it, i'm behaving like a cowardly jackass. i keep procrastinating when i should be applying myself and taking things seriously.

i never thought i'd be one of those lame mid-mid-life crisis people, but here i am. for the longest time i've felt like i was still 17 and have been told that psychologically it comes from having been stunted by the car accident in a pivotal time of adult development. i've been acting out on some level for 6 years now, like everyone would excuse it because of the fucked up things i've been through, instead of realizing that i've done things that have been harmful to me in their own senses.

none of the things i have done have ever made me feel better about myself or made me forget the things that took place. no matter how much i've talked about it with friends, doctors, psychiatrists and such, it hasn't gotten any easier to handle. to some degree i've kind of given up on talking to anyone about it really. it's big and it's scary and really all anyone can do is tell me that they're sorry it happened. i can't expect anyone to be able to have the words that are going magically fix me because they're not out there. i've looked.

i just sheild myself with verbosity and the drug that is other people's laughter as it tends to keep people out of your head. nobody stops to ask the happiest looking person what burdens their soul, they see nothing there that's painful. but look at all the great comedians, each one used big personalities to hide crippled interiors. i'm absolutely no different. i'll take on anyone's problems but my own.

i choose to try not to let them have any more room in my head than they should. i'm trying this new thing called looking at things with perspective. it's kind of like thinking things through from many angles as to prevent mind-numbing guilt later and manage your relationships. honestly, thinking about the consequences of your actions before you take them. so cliche! so obvious! so effective! makes your teeth whiter! christ, i'm just thinking of trying to be less of a disappointment to myself, really.

shit. huey lewis just ended. i'm so disappointed. *sighs*


Sunday, March 19, 2006

stupid blogger.

i hate blogger right now. it will not let me post a single picture from this evening.

such an amalgam, but very fun.

i tipped the cabbie at least 6 dollars more than i paid for the cab itself, but driving US home, he totally deserved it.

i'm so sleepy.

hooray 4am.

a question.

have you ever felt something so much you wish that someone would punch you hard enough that each and every single tooth in your mouth would fall out?

well, i have.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

thanks, darryl.

phonecalls at 1:30 in the morning from your friend from the bar letting you know you are missed are always appreciated in my book.

i'm babbling

it's being all alone
inside yourself
not knowing how to explain
the commotion in your brain
he thought it was winking inside
a joke about something that wasn't
really as real as it was intended to be
disjoint me
disassemble rearrange
and shape to fit the confines
of this moulding
the pleasure i'm beholding
inside the burning anger of
a dream that will never ever be true
no matter the wishing and exertion
it's his inertia
no one to blame but perhaps
another legendary divorce
grown to become such a bore
oh i'll reference if it makes me clever
in your eyes
you've tried but you can't sympathize
with the pathetic portion of my situation
label this with negation
it's really all the same if you leave me
here to think a while
i've always doted on your smile
a million miles of strings and hearts
i never thought i'd play this part
walking down a mile of blades
that slice into my every crevice
secret or not
it never mattered
stream of conciousness finds its delta
i did everything for you as you watched me
fumble all my words
like water through my fingers
oh how i tried to make you understand and love me
all to no avail

everything was kissed by ice and fog

this one is worth clicking on and making larger.

from my neighborhood today whilst waiting for the bus.

feeling sappy

I can see the light behind your eyes
Even in the summer shade outside
When every single day
Will never feel the same
A single minute can't be wasted

I can see the colours of your mind
Time and time I get 'em left outside
When every single day
Will never feel the same
A single minute can't be wasted

Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes

When every single day
Will never feel the same
A single minute can't be wasted

Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes
Tell me, tell me there's no goodbyes

read the tiles.


this picture of myself disturbs me on so many levels.

Friday, March 17, 2006


raynna knows what i'm talking about.

eddie murphy once had a music career.

it was short lived.

but when you hear "i, me, us, we", it's hard to understand why.

contemplation station

lying in bed. drinking stella artois. burning candles. stupid noisy neighbours above me playing wretchedly loud bass heavy music.

i drown it out with the figurines. another of my latest musical crushes. they're danish but sing in english and sound like the bastard children of modest mouse and tripping daisy.

i just spent a few moments staring at the phone on my bedroom floor. i want it to ring and have it be him on the other end.

i should have gone to raynna's - oh regret - kat went to bed much earlier than anticipated, but i know i would end up sloppy drunk and taking 83 pictures and i have too much shit to do tomorrow to do either. still wish i had gone though.

took a humbling self photo shoot that makes me want to get 13,000 surgical procedures. hooray for self esteem. the picture accompanying this blog is the only one i even halfway liked and it still showcases the pimple currently known as mount vesuvius [sp?] on my cheek.

at least it also showcases my fabulous taste in purses.

so many things to do tomorrow. so much on my mind. plans and tasks and stresses.

i have been having a freaky increase in headaches lately. 4 out of 5 days so far this week i have had a headache that migraine strength advil gelcaps can not even tackle which mystifies me as they're not extraordinarily painful, bu certainly enough to hamper me. perhaps this is just a really bad headache but i can't tell because of after 6 years of pain in my body on a daily basis, my ability to correctly identify pain levels has been irrovocably shattered.

*shrugs* i've recently has an mri done of my head and it came back normal, so your guess is as good as mine, my compatriots.

think back to being 15 years old. what did you want to do? who did you want to be?

shit. it sounds like my neighbours are having a furniture tossing contest. what the fuck?

i ask the 15 years old question simply because i think of how much ambition i had, how much faith in myself and my talent i had in comparison to now.

when i was 8 years old if you asked me what i wanted to be my emphatic answer was "rock star" - it was not specific to particular position in a rock band, nope, just a rock star, baby. i still love singing and think that i'm relatively decent at it and i write, yet i have never even really attempted to start or join a band. i always tell myself i can't because i can't write music or read notes and i can't play an instrument, but i could learn. i could try, i could hustle and make something happen.

but no, i never do.

why the fuck is that?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

our lives are parallel

i woke up from a strange dream in which no matter how much i went to the bathroom, i still had to go. i was stopping in all these places, using differently decorated bathrooms, all to no avail. still had to pee.

now tell me what that means.

i've been searching through websites to try and choose a chapel in which to married in vegas. all i can say is TOO MUCH CHOICE. god, you can be married in helicopters and limos by elvis, dracula, captain kirk, jerry garcia - you name it, they have it. though for all their star trek weddings, i have yet to see a star wars wedding. then again, i suppose being married by chewbacca would be a little confusing unless you speak wookie. that, and most brides would likely ditch their man to wed han solo. mmmmm han solo.

anyways, young harrison ford aside, i think i most like the outdoor gazebo weddings as long as they're performed at night - the pictures of the gazebos all lit up in the dark look really nice. i think i'll ask my mom what she thinks, because she's very excited and i think she would like to give me some input.

i downloaded the new yeah yeah yeahs album and i gotta say i love it. i burned it. it hasn't left my discman except to play in the livingroom stereo. it's a bit of a departure from their last album, but it's good. i think it's their rumours. it has this vaguely 70's feel and in places recalls influences as diverse as the latest queens of the stone age album and ll cool j - oh you think i'm joking, but i'm not. it's insane and gorgeous and i can't wait to buy it. tracks of interest include "way out", "honeybear", and "gold lion".

yes, that's right. if i really like an artist, respect their work and they put out quality material, and i can find it, i will buy it! take that, record companies!

also, please check out the band voxtrot. they have this beautiful dreamy sound that's not to be missed. very light and jangly, indie movie soundtrack type stuff. their raised by wolves ep is great. i have a feeling these guys are going to blow up.

p.s. that "fruit solutions" juice is not good. strawberry banana orange poop. it's too tart, just wrong.

i got all my time off nailed down for my next trip to see joel. i'll be gone april 4-12th. back to work on the 13th. we're going to chill out and relax, shop for our wedding rings and finalize our plans as to where we're going to stay and have the ceremony. i'm really excited to see him again. he's been talking about coming up for a visit to calgary for september or october, so hopefully this becomes reality and you guys get to finally meet him. he's a doll.

anyways, time to throw my smelly ass in the shower and get on my way to presentability. love you, kids.

Monday, March 13, 2006

welcome to the world, little man.

this is my second cousin, mr. neils robert randrup.

he already looks like a cute little bugger.

the deal with all the tubes and junk has to do with his mom having had toxemia and the poor little fellow had to live off his own body fat for a while, but apparently he's eating everything in sight and doing well.

i think he's gorgeous.

he was born on march 9th at 6:15 pm. he was 5 pounds and 19.25 inches long.

Friday, March 10, 2006

this explains it all.

angry bears.

i think i am just going to start poking everyone with a stick.


obligatory drunk posting.

excuse me.

raynna's hair looks great on my head.

i am really great at cribbage. i am so pretty i don't even have to move my pegs.

it is 2:37 am and i have had a luxurious amount of beer. so much so i don't even min that the veinon the back of my left hand is juttin out like the anorexic hipbones of an olsen twin.

the sad fact is that is actually a cliche.

since when did a kokanee can pass as art?

i have a second cousin. he is named after my grandfather and weighs 5 pounds, one ounce.


photographs to follow.

i love rick astley.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

wedding update!

Thursday June 22 through Tuesday June 27.

To anyone who wants to join in the cross-continent fun as Joel and I "lock this shit down", you now have dates to begin planning time off work and stuff.

If you want to go but can't stay for the whole time, that's cool. When we start planning in detail we'll make sure the wedding itself is over the weekend when more people can come out.

We're looking for a hotel for us now. More details to come.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

excessive post about excess part two

Monday, March 06, 2006

a poem x 2

your face
lips pursed
pushing out silent breath
morning breath
pull the sheet up around my face
close my eyes and smile
peek and you're still
maybe dreaming
placid content
my body twitches trying to stay
disturbing nothing
not this moment
the pores of your skin
eyelashes like spiny forests
flushed and rumpled
you roll over
i inch closer
and drape my arm over you
your hand in mine

good morning.


crumpled and angry like a burn
in supple skin
cringing beneath the surface
retracting from the stinging
quick to strike as an open palm

barely even there until

yes, there it is
and there it really is
tangible and real and exacted
like revenge
his, the blackest of hearts

this is cowardice.

apparently my camera likes to play name that crotch

this is not what my camera is for. yet, everytime i hand it off to my male friends THIS is what happens.

the sad thing is, by wardorbe alone i know exactly which crotch is which.

sorry, joel.

enough photos already.

so i says to mabel, i says...

cripes. have had two days of sheer intoxication and am definitely feeling the loss of a couple of braincells.

also feel bad for darryl's loss of his ipod and thank my lucky stars that it wasn't me losing my digital camera, 'cause i'd have shit at least 14 bricks and then cried for a good fortnight. that thing is my firstborn baby [my laptop is second.] and my portal to burgeoning digital narcissism. plus, i really just love documenting the insanity around me most nights out with the kids. CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT FRIDAY. ha!

my house is always freezing. i'm fully dressed underneath about 5 blankets and still i want to start a trashcan fire on the otherside of my room.

but in all fairness, i have wanted to start that shit for a while.

it's been really good to cut loose and get the fuck out of my head. everything in this last month has just been such an ordeal. it's the only way to describe it - a motherfrigging ordeal. my emotions have been rollercoastering like mad, and i've been wretched to deal with if you caught me at the wrong moment.

of course, most people are probably like - WTF? no way. but there are some of you out there who bore the brunt of some severely bad moods, so much love for riding it out.

i can't believe the good and the bad my life is so simultaneously. i think the only thing that's really saved my sanity is the fact that the pain has been tempered with the happiest news imaginable. that, and a lot of escapism and crying.

god, i cry so much. sometimes for no reason at all. sometimes when i walk by all the crackheads on the way to work. sometimes when i see that damn WSPA commercial with the "dancing" bears. sometimes when i think about the future. or my body. or both.

i am such a girl.

downloading music like crazy. old memories. walking at nighttime singing at the top of my lungs through the field to my college dorm after work in the summer watching the northern lights dance in the sky.

ahaha. reminds me, once walking home from work a really old OLD farmer type man pulled over in his station wagon and waved me over as i walked home one night back then. i didn't think much of it as he was so freakin' old, thought maybe he needed directions or something. so i walked over, not too close, but close enough to hear him speak. he asked me what i was doing that night, or more specifically, if i was looking to "have some fun." oh lord, i was taken aback, but really just replied politely that was on my way home from work and had to be up for school in the morning. i think it was enough for him to know i was not a frigging prostitute! cripes!

guess i just give off a vibe. or at least did then.

have been listening to the song "little trouble girl" by sonic youth SO much. so dreamy and creepy and sad and gorgeous.

story of my life.

mmmmm sushi.