contemplation station

lying in bed. drinking stella artois. burning candles. stupid noisy neighbours above me playing wretchedly loud bass heavy music.

i drown it out with the figurines. another of my latest musical crushes. they're danish but sing in english and sound like the bastard children of modest mouse and tripping daisy.

i just spent a few moments staring at the phone on my bedroom floor. i want it to ring and have it be him on the other end.

i should have gone to raynna's - oh regret - kat went to bed much earlier than anticipated, but i know i would end up sloppy drunk and taking 83 pictures and i have too much shit to do tomorrow to do either. still wish i had gone though.

took a humbling self photo shoot that makes me want to get 13,000 surgical procedures. hooray for self esteem. the picture accompanying this blog is the only one i even halfway liked and it still showcases the pimple currently known as mount vesuvius [sp?] on my cheek.

at least it also showcases my fabulous taste in purses.

so many things to do tomorrow. so much on my mind. plans and tasks and stresses.

i have been having a freaky increase in headaches lately. 4 out of 5 days so far this week i have had a headache that migraine strength advil gelcaps can not even tackle which mystifies me as they're not extraordinarily painful, bu certainly enough to hamper me. perhaps this is just a really bad headache but i can't tell because of after 6 years of pain in my body on a daily basis, my ability to correctly identify pain levels has been irrovocably shattered.

*shrugs* i've recently has an mri done of my head and it came back normal, so your guess is as good as mine, my compatriots.

think back to being 15 years old. what did you want to do? who did you want to be?

shit. it sounds like my neighbours are having a furniture tossing contest. what the fuck?

i ask the 15 years old question simply because i think of how much ambition i had, how much faith in myself and my talent i had in comparison to now.

when i was 8 years old if you asked me what i wanted to be my emphatic answer was "rock star" - it was not specific to particular position in a rock band, nope, just a rock star, baby. i still love singing and think that i'm relatively decent at it and i write, yet i have never even really attempted to start or join a band. i always tell myself i can't because i can't write music or read notes and i can't play an instrument, but i could learn. i could try, i could hustle and make something happen.

but no, i never do.

why the fuck is that?