i am listening to huey lewis and the news.
i feel an absolutely decadent amount of nostalgia.
okay, so they're kind of lame and make you think of guys with feathered hair in don johnson in miami vice suits chasing after girls with bangs as big as texas and skin-tight mini dresses with big puffy shoulders, but so fucking what? they rule.
anyone who doesn't agree can probably attest to having enjoyed much worse i'm sure.
i'm transported back to summers on vacation with my parents and my first actual crushes on boys. it's awesome. we used to nab our parents' empty beer bottles, write notes and maps and stuff them inside and throw them in creeks. i remember lying on my back in a patch of high grass looking up at the night sky when we were at a family friend's 35th birthday party, thinking to myself about being repulsed by and yet still completely adoring that kid who would eat dead mosquitos on a dare.
i never used to think so, but i had a really awesome childhood. the more i think back on it, the more i miss it. of course this is one of the universal ironies, so i'll try not to wax too poetical [okay, so maybe already it's too late there.] i just crave the purity and earnesty of emotion and thought. the development of self and personality, the shaping that we all go through. trial and error. overwhelming excitements, soul crushing defeats. all of it.
sometimes it makes me feel so corrupted to look back. i feel utterly polluted with fears and insecurities and i hate it. i feel like i'm clinging to this ideal of who i need to be that's turning me completely inside out. i'm at another section of life where major changes are about to occur in my life and i'm trying to adapt to them but finding myself acting a little less like myself than ever. i'm in a place where change is being granted to me at a very quick pace, falling directly into my lap and instead of embracing it, i'm behaving like a cowardly jackass. i keep procrastinating when i should be applying myself and taking things seriously.
i never thought i'd be one of those lame mid-mid-life crisis people, but here i am. for the longest time i've felt like i was still 17 and have been told that psychologically it comes from having been stunted by the car accident in a pivotal time of adult development. i've been acting out on some level for 6 years now, like everyone would excuse it because of the fucked up things i've been through, instead of realizing that i've done things that have been harmful to me in their own senses.
none of the things i have done have ever made me feel better about myself or made me forget the things that took place. no matter how much i've talked about it with friends, doctors, psychiatrists and such, it hasn't gotten any easier to handle. to some degree i've kind of given up on talking to anyone about it really. it's big and it's scary and really all anyone can do is tell me that they're sorry it happened. i can't expect anyone to be able to have the words that are going magically fix me because they're not out there. i've looked.
i just sheild myself with verbosity and the drug that is other people's laughter as it tends to keep people out of your head. nobody stops to ask the happiest looking person what burdens their soul, they see nothing there that's painful. but look at all the great comedians, each one used big personalities to hide crippled interiors. i'm absolutely no different. i'll take on anyone's problems but my own.
i choose to try not to let them have any more room in my head than they should. i'm trying this new thing called looking at things with perspective. it's kind of like thinking things through from many angles as to prevent mind-numbing guilt later and manage your relationships. honestly, thinking about the consequences of your actions before you take them. so cliche! so obvious! so effective! makes your teeth whiter! christ, i'm just thinking of trying to be less of a disappointment to myself, really.
shit. huey lewis just ended. i'm so disappointed. *sighs*
