jiminy cricket, where are you now that i need you?: August 2006

shit.

just realized i have nothing to wear to my aunt's wedding.

crapcrapcrapcrap.

wisdoms out tomorrow. eesh. guess i'll be going in like a week to find something to wear.

at least there will be lots of back to school/end of summer sales.

mugging for the camera

i am confused, but not arguing.

i weighed myself out of curiousity when i came home from italy and was not amused with the results [damn you, delicious cheeses!].

i weighed myself before i took a shower this morning and between my first day home and this morning i have somehow lost 8lbs.

it's confusing because i have been so lazy and done very little. and when i was in europe, it was go go go, walk walk walk, hike hike hike. i was always moving or sick and vomitting and i frigging gained weight. i lay around the house watching the office and playing free cell and i lose weight.

maybe it is as simple as a change in the foods i was eating, but i'm hoping i've somehow stumbled upon the lazy bastard miracle diet!

let's play happy/crabby!

things that are making me happy:

- two weeks exactly til joel gets here! [september 12th!]

- not long after that, i get to see my family at my aunt's wedding! [sept. 16th woohoo!]

- and not long after that, i am finally moving to florida! [september 19th!]

- kat comes home tomorrow!

- my dentist no longer thinks i have an infection, he agrees the swelling in the back corner of my mouth is from my impacted wisdom tooth.

- i found the cutest bath toy for my second cousin neils. it's a blue octopus dressed like a sailor!

- i have made packing progress despite feeling like a boatload of smashed assholes. i am also pleased to report i have not taken a t3 since about 9am. that's pretty sweet, considering in the last 36 hours the pain was so bad i was taking them in two's.

- i can hear someone washing dishes. this means i don't have to! yay! [edit: false alarm.]

things that are making me crabby:

- i need a haircut. and some hair dye.

- people who don't return calls or emails! boo-urns!

- taking two different prescriptions - one that causes diarrhea and one that causes constipation. you'd think they'd cancel each other out, but really they create a super special condition i like to call constirrhea. i've said too much already, don't ask me to explain it.

- the fact that being ill and in pain makes for packing procrastination. i really haven't done as much as i should have done by now.

- impending dental surgery! today my dentist offered to remove my top two wisdom teeth to try and eleviate some of my pain, but i chickened out because it wouldn't have been under sedation and i would rather get it done all in one shot.

- my doctor's office has informed me that i can not get an appointment for an already overdue physical until october 3rd when i move september 19th. time to harass my doctor!

- i have like 62 zits on my face. [not pictured]

- i am so bored and do not feel like doing anything. restless yet ambitionless, that's me.

time to hyperventilate!

okay, today i did something very very brave.
i threw out a bunch of my old notebooks filled with my poetry.

i tried first to go through them and perhaps archive some of it on my computer, because i really love that no matter where i've gone, no matter what has changed or stayed the same in my life i have always written. i love having those words to reference the freshness and urgency of the things i once felt.

but today, flipping through those books and reading all those words felt so much different than i had anticipated. i used to LOVE reading them, laughing at my dramatics and such, but today, i just felt strange and voyeuristic. i felt like i was reading something someone else wrote and that i shouldn't be reading. there were a few words i held onto, but for the most part i just chucked them.

i was reading about times in my life where i was pining for people who only hurt me. or people who were just too kind and polite to tell me there was never any hope that they would love me. i read all the declarations of love, all the pain of defeat, the wailings of being depressed and thought it was time to get rid of them.

some of them were awful and some of them were actually pretty good if i do say so myself.
basically, it's stuff like the poem below that made wake up and realize it's time to let go of the past. it's done nothing good for me to look back - i'm so ready to move forward!

i hate you
for your lack of interferance
the omission of courage
you're the encapsulation of
broken promises
i would put everything on the line
but you would never let it ride
you'd never interrupt for the sake
of your own desire
watch me walk away in the hands of another
even as i look over my shoulder
you stand waving
infuriating
why can you not just tell me
how much it hurts to see me go?

[i wrote that one when i was probably about 21. SO melodramatic!]