god save the drama queen

i enjoy looking cracked out.

life's a bit blurry lately. i have so much on my mind, so much to do that i just can't seem to get off my ass and do.

since i bought my ipod, i have added almost 4 gigs of music to itunes. i'm downloading all kinds of stuff, though frankly have had much craving to obtain albums and songs i haven't listened to in virtual millenas. right now i'm waiting on the elton john album breaking hearts. tease me if you must, but i couldn't stop thinking of the song slow down georgie, she's poison which i used to love the hell out of when i was a kid. also downloaded some bruce springsteen. i'm on fire and 57 channels and nothin' on. good stuff like that.

giving a lot of serious thought again to taking off to spend some time with my grandparents before moving to florida. already started bawling tonight thinking about how if i don't and they die before i come and see them again i will hate myself. i get so excited and so happy thinking about leaving but feel so guilty about them. i love them so much and really can't fathom having the next time i see them either being in a casket or worse, a tiny wooden box like my cremated grandfather. i hated not getting to say my goodbyes to him. but, i think he knew. not long after he died, i had a dream that he called me to him when he was sitting in his favorite chair and he looked up at me and told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.

but who knows? maybe it was just a guilt-ridden subconcious trying to absolve me. i like to think not.

all said and done though i could be gone before the year is out. we're shooting for october, but i'm hoping for august. my dream is to come back from my wedding and quit my job. just tell them to stick it up their asses and get out of there. i've truly had my fill of that place, but don't think it's worth it to try and find another job for a six month period. i'll stick it out, but count down the days like mad. i'm so tired of the hypocrisy and double-speak.

of course there are people i will miss immensely that i met through that place, including one i miss already and haven't even left yet!

*sighs* depressed over that one.

but any-ways. i'm gonna leave this blog to itself and go listen to some pj harvey. yeah. later.